The Bitter Cynic!

Bitchin
by Graywolf32 3/24/2012

The things that go wrong?
The things that go right?
Does it matter?
Everyones a critic!
Everyone's a Judge.
Where's my accusor?
Who am I but my own jury?

The argument goes beyond the stand!
I'm innocent, I've screwed up, but that's human.
I am who that I am.

Aah, but there's responsabilities,
expectations.
Disregard these and who knows where you'll land!

Being Loves bitch
leaves one stranded in the ditch.
And the clouds begin to cry.
Lightning blinks through the sky.
I wish I could fly!

Everyone's a cynic.
A bitter critic.
Leave it to friends
to say just the wrong things.
This is what I'll remember you by.

You asked me what I see and I told you the truth.
It purely innocent honesty.
And it was too much for you.
You couldn't face what it is I saw.
The closet door was slammed shut.
The skeletons did their victory dance.
As you took away your only chance.

I wonder what it was you really wanted?
You couldn't stand the truth.
For what I saw was purely
the pain and suffering.
Denial is an easier reality.

Upon a night,
You simply told me what
I didn't need to hear.
Nothing really more than my own fear.

Don't worry, I didn't let anyone too near.
What happened wasn't beyond expectation.
So the judge has decided.
The jury is out.
I have no idea what anything in life is about.
A bitter cynic just gives a shout:
Screw life no one cares what it's all about!

The Road There

The Road There
by graywolf32 3/12/2012.


In a city
beyond the horizon
full of colorful light
I walk amongst the people.
in a drab world
off in the distance
I see the light of day.
I imagine all the people there
that laugh and play.

I wonder from street to street.
Road to road
highway to highway.
Trying to find my way there.
There was a time.
One of its people
came to visit.
And in that moment.
The world had gained a new color.
It gained a new depth
Life in that moment
had gained new purpose.

I wanted to see for myself.
I begged the visitor
to let me see his house.
He smiled and left
taking with him
the life I had felt within.

I tried to follow ducking in and out
yet, there was nothing I could do but shout.
He was gone,
and I couldn't follow no more.

I watched the distant light
day and night.
It never dimmed.
I struggled to get there.
Nothing ever brought me closer.
The city was there.
However, all the roads I took
led nowhere.

Realization

Sometimes, one does not realize level of damage done to them in life, until one finds an awesome person and they walk away from you because in essence, one is too damaged.

No, they would never say that, God bless them.  They were an awesome person, that chose to think for me about how I should feel in response to them, than let me choose for myself how I do feel about them and what they say.  As long as they feel they are hurting me, nothing real could ever be had..  It's sad that  people are unable to see past their own thoughts and push others away as a result. 

I will do what I always do.  Fail.  HA!  No, this time I accept no responsibility for others actions.  I failed to consider the repercussions to myself.  I care about people, I have an innate ability to see the good in things and to see past the emotion and see logic in all things.   It is this logic that I use to justify my existence. If I based my existence on how I felt.   The truth of my reality would be that I wouldn't exist.  Logic dictates my existence.  To be humans is to have emotion.  Someone last spring, taught me to not base decisions on emotions.  I don't.  And I didn't know it but I had a deep desire to be logical.  To see things as rationally as possible.  Sometimes, emotion and logic converge, and when they do, it's either intensely good or bad.  I am convinced from a logical perspective now that the bad outweighs the good of human relations.

  I tried to believe my friends, the people I trust the most in life, that maybe there's some rational truth in the myth that there's something so good in life, that it's worth having.  People say it exists, I have yet to see it for myself. 

   I even told God, I would need to see him to fully believe him.  Well, he doesn't answer to me thankfully, so, he didn't do that. 

Logically, I have the next roughly 40 years of my life.  Give or take 10 - 20 years.  So, what do I do for the next 40 years?  Obviously work, because well for some reason one needs money to exist.  That's logical.  So, what else is there from a logical perspective to do in life?  I figure, I'll finish writing a few things, for it would be logical to someday assume others can and would see my writings. Whether or not they're good or meaningful is logically a judgement others would have to make for themselves. 

The graywolf is happiest in packs with deep connections to its family.  I have neither.  So, I'm not the typical graywolf.  That's o.k. though, because they are a fierce survivor and extremely resourceful.

Random Thought

Malcontent
by Graywolf 3/7/2012

Malcontent's flaming eyes are fueled by the beating heart's discontent for life.
Malcontent's burning glare is snuffed in one of two ways:
Terminating the rhythmic beating
or the heart's pure embrace accepting into it's arms
the racing life force.

WHY
by Graywolf 3/3/2012

Why am I here?
Why do I fear?
Why do I exist?
Why does the earth turn?
Why does the the son burn?
Why does the universe twinkle?

What is there for anyone here or there?
We all live.
Why do we live?
We all Die.
Why do we die?
Why do we try?
Why do we care?
Why do we cry?
It's not fair!
Why do we
do whatever it is we do?
Why do we love?
Why do we hate?

There's nothing for me.
I just wish to be set free.
Instead I'm forced to look down from this tree.
Look down upon life.
Like ants everything goes to and fro.

What is it I hope to gain?
Why would someone want someone
so fricken plain?

Love is overrated.
Life is a lie.
Hate requires too much energy.
Pain is just too surreal.

Detach.
Float away.
Fly, fly away.
Like a butterfly.
Flapping wings
take me into the sky.
What purpose is there.

If there is no reason?
Then why is death treason?

Standing on the tree of life
time goes on.
Into fast forward the people streak on by.
I can see all their strife.
Why do they care?
Why don't they share?
Why do they always try to be a pair?
What is it that drives them on?
For their little ant like lives are fleeting.
Only so many beats in a heart that's beating.

Why do they go on?
What moves them?
I wonder what drives them on?
I wonder why do I try?
There's no answer.
Maybe try no more.
Just going through the motions.
I have no preconceived notions.
Life exists
with or without me
for no apparent reason.

I may ask Why?
Yet, there's no point.
Many would say all that matters
is inconceivable to me.
Love.
WHy?
Love.
Why?
This could go on forever.

I don't know what's true.
What is life?
Why is life?

I must move on.
I have no clue
when mine is done.