Realization

Sometimes, one does not realize level of damage done to them in life, until one finds an awesome person and they walk away from you because in essence, one is too damaged.

No, they would never say that, God bless them.  They were an awesome person, that chose to think for me about how I should feel in response to them, than let me choose for myself how I do feel about them and what they say.  As long as they feel they are hurting me, nothing real could ever be had..  It's sad that  people are unable to see past their own thoughts and push others away as a result. 

I will do what I always do.  Fail.  HA!  No, this time I accept no responsibility for others actions.  I failed to consider the repercussions to myself.  I care about people, I have an innate ability to see the good in things and to see past the emotion and see logic in all things.   It is this logic that I use to justify my existence. If I based my existence on how I felt.   The truth of my reality would be that I wouldn't exist.  Logic dictates my existence.  To be humans is to have emotion.  Someone last spring, taught me to not base decisions on emotions.  I don't.  And I didn't know it but I had a deep desire to be logical.  To see things as rationally as possible.  Sometimes, emotion and logic converge, and when they do, it's either intensely good or bad.  I am convinced from a logical perspective now that the bad outweighs the good of human relations.

  I tried to believe my friends, the people I trust the most in life, that maybe there's some rational truth in the myth that there's something so good in life, that it's worth having.  People say it exists, I have yet to see it for myself. 

   I even told God, I would need to see him to fully believe him.  Well, he doesn't answer to me thankfully, so, he didn't do that. 

Logically, I have the next roughly 40 years of my life.  Give or take 10 - 20 years.  So, what do I do for the next 40 years?  Obviously work, because well for some reason one needs money to exist.  That's logical.  So, what else is there from a logical perspective to do in life?  I figure, I'll finish writing a few things, for it would be logical to someday assume others can and would see my writings. Whether or not they're good or meaningful is logically a judgement others would have to make for themselves. 

The graywolf is happiest in packs with deep connections to its family.  I have neither.  So, I'm not the typical graywolf.  That's o.k. though, because they are a fierce survivor and extremely resourceful.