First a quick celebration. I have hit over 100 hits in 1 month of this blog being live. Whether or not people are actually reading my musings and find them interesting, I don't know, but, here's a kudos to all you readers out there!! Thanks for following me and If I had a glass right now to rease to each of you I would pull a "Pink" and Raise my glass to all you!!! I'm really floored that there's been 100 hits in under a month. Someday, when I make more time, I will research how to get a publisher's attention. :)
If anyone out there reading this knows that, let me know. I'm not looking for money. I'm simply looking to be published. I don't want money, I don't want fame, and would most likely publish under a pen name. I just want to say I've been published. A sense of accomplishment I guess.
So, off to my status. Well, I'm frustrated and torn. I've got some pretty awesome friends that really the word awesome doesn't come close to the proper adjective. I'd bend over backwards and probably break my back (at my age.. HA!) for any one of them. Well, I would for many people, but that's just a part of how I was raised, but these people are awesome. And I seem to create my own problems! LOL. I wanted some time to myself tomorrow night. Just out with a one or two quaint people. Just to sit back, relax, and forget this week. And simply live in the moment uncaring about anything.
Whether it was with someone or alone, I didn't really care at this moment. I've got so much to get done, in preparation for Christmas. I have a ton of ideas I need to write before I forget them. I need to get more resumes out for jobs, I need to reenforce newly formed friendships.... Bleh You know scratch that.. You know what I need? I need to sit down, forget all that crap and relax. LOL. Just let this world disappear and forget everything.
A'las the only way I have of doing that is writing or getting really really really drunk. And getting really drunk isn't the healthiest of choices.. Bleh. So, I'm supposed to go to this christmas party tomorrow night. I made the choice to not go because I just needed to distance myself from people and withdraw for a while into my own world. It's nothing to do with them. Not at all. they've been nothing but the kindest and awesomest people. It's just me. Well, I got texts and messages from 4 people questioning why I'm not going. Now, I feel bad that It looks like I'm being dramatic. when really, all I want for myself is some time alone. LOL. I know...
If you'd seen or known me 6 months ago... I would have pacing the floor clawing the walls, windows, and door, this wolf felt trapped and alone in an empty house. That was a different lifetime ago. Now, I just know that the holidays are getting to me and some of the stress is self induced, some is way outside of my control.
Just this week. I got told that 12 positions have to be eliminated in the beginning of 2012 so they can fill 12 positions with external staff to start changing the culture and get the people the executives want. 12 was the starting number. We don't know how many more. If overtime all 250 staff will be replaced, or if more and more will continue to be eliminated by force, if excuses will be fabricated. This, with Christmas and the New Year just around the corner.
I realize businesses must do what they must to remain in business, but, this is extreme. On top of it all, I had a good coworker, team member, and good friend turn his notice in and today was his last day. As I left work this morning, I just felt sad going on without him. With all the stuff going on, his personality is similar to mine and we got along well. He made it at least tolerable to come in to work despite the bad morale and negative atmosphere. We supported each other, worked on similar projects, and were a good complimenting of skills. Now, I have to most likely take over some of his workload. Know everything he worked on, and maintain my job, and be the sole morale support for my team. After all of our team's team leads quit over the summer (3 separate ones) and our manager is retiring January 1st. I'm the technical lead for my team, which now means the responsability for the team's efforts fall on me until they get leadership reinstalled. And that's if they choose to keep the team around at all. No leadership has been hired yet. So, the team will be on its own in a week.
There's no stress there. No pressure whatsoever. At a time when they will be looking for the slightest excuse to eliminate people.
I suddenly have a headache, I wonder why!! LOL. I don't say any of this for people's sympathy. I stress, I don't want anyone feeling sorry for me, that's NOT at all why I write anything. I'm VENTING!! I Have a right to vent once in a while! Ha! There are limits to this wolf's sanity, they are being approached.
So, my wolven spirit is extremely strong. It has endured some of the worst of humanity and has survived, and thrived like a large boulder under the preassure of a huge water fall. The water of life may chisel some scratches into me, and over time I may erode, but I remain strong for a long time, confident of my ability to withstand the toughest currents life can throw at me. Now, for the first time, maybe in my entire life. Those limits may be being reached. I've traveled many roads alone without the support of anyone and I'm damn proud of my ability to be there for me, myself, and I.
The human side of me though is reaching it's limits. And so, my friends, if you see this, this isn't about me boycotting a Christmas party. It was about me taking some time out for myself to try to manage my stress, regroup, and refocus my energy.
That said, I may change my mind about going, I know it will be fun, but with everything going on it's going to be hard for me to sit back and enjoy.
I have had a weekend in over probably 2 months. Which is awesome. I never dreamt I would have this busy of life post divorce. Nor did I ever dream that so many friends would care about me this much. I'm sorry I've probably let some of you down. That will be hard for me to face if I do go, but, Thanks to everyone for caring. The respect and kindness is something I never expected. I'm somewhat surprised and at a loss of how to respond. So, I also apologize if I may seem a bit taken aback by it. It's just not something I'm used to.
Well, that's a lot more than I planned on saying. However, I'm glad I said it all. None of this is meant to be dramatic, to be anything more than just me taking some timeout for me. I don't know how to express that any other way. I definately didn't expect people to be frustrated with me backing out.
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