Year 2010 in summary:
I had a gut feeling that 2010 would be the year my life changed forever. I felt, hmm, a writer at a loss for sufficient adjectives. I knew with a lot of certainty that something was going to happen in 2010 to change my life forever. I didn't know what, how, when, where, or anything. The entire year had been the same as all the other years. Which, doesn't matter at this point. I expected something to be different, but it wasn't. Nothing changed, nothing cosmic happened. I ended 2010 disappointed, not having much hope for anything new. Something was amiss with the cosmic forces that be. What happened, I don't know.. But, I being me, a mighty wolf was in a sense feeling what comes with helplessness. I expected change but, little did I know that change comes from within not from without.
January 2011:
I kept hearing the same things I had heard for the last 5 years. My grandmother was declining in health and mental capacity. It was sad, and I wanted to remember her for the strong, confident, and intimidating woman she was. Very stubborn German. I felt the churning in my stomach of change to come. It was a month like any other though. It's that feeling that you're on a precipace and you don't fully know how much room you have to move or balance before you fall over either edge. I teetered wondering when something was going to happen. I sensed something was about to happen. Amidst this I began to realize more and more, that I could not tolerate living with my now exwife any longer. I will not say anything bad about her to anyone, I participated in the marriage by choice, and it was I, who voluntarily gave up my soul. She was the precise person I needed in my life to learn what I needed to learn about life. She was not the one to foster a marriage of love and peace. She did though, teach me my self worth and my value when I thought I had none.
In this month, the first month, of the two thousand and eleventh year since our dear Lord's crucifiction, it was in this month that the stirrings of change came upon me. The change that I thought was to occur in 2010 was coming when it needed to. With open arms, I opened my mind and my soul and can remember thinking it without much thought but had been years of consideration, and I openly said "God, Bring on 2011, I'm ready for whatever you can do to me. Bring it."
And in so doing, I "welcomed" the biggest cosmic change I've ever seen my entire life. It is by my faith that I have lived to age 34. And it was my faith to embrace this year.
February 2011:
If God doesn't have a sense of irony and humor.. Well, My grandmother died the thursday or Friday just before Valentines day. I'm not overly superstitious but, a little ironic if I must say so... I faced some demons that I had been dreading facing. And somehow in a slight mix up I had accidently been pall bearer for my grandmother just as she had wished I would be. It was almost as though I was a puppet, dancing to music that no one, not even me could hear.
I survived a better man that day. It was that day I face evil face to face. And though, I wanted to surrender and fall before it. This wolf did not surrender in fear, but, instead rose up in courage and left the evil where it was no longer a part of him. No, this evil was not my exwife. She was there and witness the evil I fought. There are few that could comprehend the spiritual battle that took place that fateful day. I knew though, my grandmother was with me. It was that day, that moment, that I then realized I had what it took to finally live my life.
March 2011:
This is the wolf's birth month, and as such, was very low key and the world braced for possible flooding. I know something wasn't right with the world. That my grandmother's funeral was just the beginning. I didn't know how, I didn't know why. But something big, something on a grand scale was coming. I sensed the storm but, still couldn't pinpoint it. I didn't know how or where from what direction it would come, but, the storm was there hovering just behind me. March came and went and it was the calm before the storm.
April 2011:
It was determined by my work to send me to Orlando, Florida for a business conference. The conference wasn't until May, but, I could still feel something coming. Something major. Work was having the stirrings of cosmic change. Everything around me showed signs of cracking, like reality itself was unfolding before me and around me. The cracks were tiny in April, just gossip and minor stirrings. Nothing could have predicted the impending changes to come in May. NOTHING Prepared me for what was to come. I was an alone wolf, no family, no friends, no one to trust, No one to confide in. No one to hear the stirrings that were giving off warning signs. Nothing I could do. But was there no one? Really? Ha.. Out of the blue. A friend I hadn't talked to in over a year or more in a public support group. Contacted me privately asking me how I'm doing.... Just a friendly gesture. She told me that my intuitive posts gave her hope and inspiration for life. I was her hope!! wow, Little did I know Ha. At a time when I was rediscovering hope myself. I now had 1 person. That knew anything that happened in my life. That was it. 1 angel, that was it. 1 person, over 3000 miles away. That's all I had. And it was all I needed.
May 2011:
The cracks in reality become more and more apparant. More vigorous. My boss that had entrusted me with so much more than anyone on this planet. Who took risks in giving me additional responsabilities. Who took more pride in the work I did than I did. He turned in his resignation. Two others on my team were let go, 2 others closely tied to my team turned in their resignations. Within an instant the cracks in reality shattered into a billion pieces. My world turned upside down in a single moment. I still had no more and no less than one person to trust.
In the midst of this storm I met a new confidant. One that showed me that there was a small tiny glimpse of hope for me. Coincidently, my grandmother's burial had to be delayed until May due to the water table in the grave yard. She was buried the day before this friend came into my life. Ha! I don't believe in superstition much, but, it's enough to make this wolf's fur stand on edge. This person showed me my value and I in turn realized I was worth more and than the sum of what I had been living.
It was one last chance for us if you will. For my ex and I to determine whether we were just existing or if we truely living. I gave her one last chance on the trip to Oralando middle of May. I made a vow to myself. That no matter what happens with her on the trip, I would enjoy the trip, I would see the ocean for the first time ever in my entire life. And I would have a blast. I did just that, I did most everything I wanted to do, I got to swim in the ocean and take in the sun, and just have the fucking best time of my life. My ex..... Well, halfway into the trip, something happened, that finally triggered the switch that said, this is it. I'm done. That very day, It was Wednesday, middle of the trip, middle of the week, that I went online and searched for Divorce lawyers. I still had the best time of my life, knowing it was over, there was nothing left to save. I was done being what I had become. It was time for this wolf to live.
Memorial day weekend was the the weekend right after we got back. I had contacted a lawyer, met with him in person, and solicited his services. The papers were scheduled to be delivered the wednesday or thursday after memorial day 2011.
"Memorial Day" 2011:
This my readership, is no simple day. It was a day unto no other I've ever seen or known my entire life. Remember when I said there was a storm brewing right behind me, I could almost feel it's breath on my shoulders. My friends. This was no simple fight for some simple happiness. No frivilous fight for freedom, no small token gesture of ending a relationship. This my friends was a cosmic battle like I've never seen before my entire life. That day, the sun went dark. The winds came up suddenly, thunder crackled close by. Torrential rains hit. Inside, it was like my heart was bein laid open for everyone to see. Everyone could see the storm within my soul over what I was doing. I felt guilt, I felt hope, I felt pain, I felt joy at being finally freed from the bonds that bound me. This storm though... Felt like no coincidental occurance. It was upon me, my house, my neighborhood, and I was alone. Ha! Remember, only 1 person knew what I was doing, and they were 3000 miles away and had never met me a day in their life. For all intents and purposes, no one knew what I was doing, not even my family. So, on this fateful storm day I was as alone as I've ever felt in my entire life.
I finally (maybe a bit foolishly) had to see the storm for myself. I opened the front door and bravely with all the courage I had and walked out on the front porch in defiance of the storm. And looked into the sky, and there, was a blackness, a darkness, so vile and dark. It was only visible by the lightning that echoed with in it nonstop. It looked to be swirly and it was right on my door step. There was nothing like this in my entire life. The storm came, knocked out power, uprooted trees, even some houses and roofs, fences, etc.
It was a week or two later that the weather service confirmed that a high power tornado came through the area. The only damage I suffered was a tree that had a 16-20" diameter branch shaved right off it in the back yard. It's branches were laying on top off my fence right after the storm. God has a way of speaking to us, and I do not see this storm as anything but an important message. It was not one of judgement but of a test. Anyone can interpret it how they want, this wolf has searched long and hard for answer, and the conclusion it draws is that the storm, was the sign of storms yet to come in my life. And that the battle was far greater than I ever imagined. And the storm emphasized that the battles I face ahead were my own and I had to face them alone.
May ended that week with me telling my wife that I want a divorce and that the papers would be delivered. May ended with me shattering her world. As my reality had already fallen apart. I then, told my parents of my choice. After my ex had been served.
June 2011:
June, what a month. the beginning of summer, the end of spring, there were yet more storms, yet more craziness. My ex finally decided to accept her reality and moved out by June 9th. It was the first time in my entire life, I lived alone. Having moved in together at a young age, I truly had never lived alone. Here I was no family, only a couple friends, if that. I was recovering my life and figuring things out. I worked, ate, came home, watched tv, went to bed. This wolf went into survival mode.
I had one friend still that helped me recover and helped make the time go a little faster. the end of June that person took their leave of my life as friend and confidant. Which was o.k. Was hard to see one of the few friends I had left leave my life, but, they had their own life to attend to and they had to let me figure out my own life. Which, was a kind and caring thing to do.
So, June was nuclear fallout month. I was a nuclear wasteland not much life survived the nuclear bombs that detonated my reality. Meanwhile at work, things continued to spiral out of control with teams being divided up, people we had gotten to rely on at work were pulled from us and we had to make do on our own. Reality continued to crumble as I continued to pull the pieces of obliterated me off the ground. So, ends the first 6 months of Graywolf's World War III Saga.
Graywolf's land is now a barren nuclear wasteland. Little hope anywhere to be found. Friends taking their leave, and the wolf lost in an empty forrest. No trees to hide in and his fur is burnt off. One would think this enough for any person to fall apart, crumble under the pressure, or just simply go insane. Nah. This wolf defeated the greatest challenge he had ever faced in February 2011. What, he was living through, was nothing compared to just a few months earlier in the year.
So ends, the saga of the first 6 months of 2011. I, Graywolf, do not write this for anyone's pity or sympathy. Nor do I write this to make light of anything. Marriage is one of the most sacred and rights a person goes through in their life. And the fact I violated that sanctity tells you scale of battle I was in. Whether or not there was anything far greater than this wolf, I don't know. It doesn't matter, what matters is I liberated myself. I say it that way because I had no support, no one to go have a drink with and ask for help. No one to run it by, no one I could depend on. I knew the battle before me was up to me and me alone. I could rely on no one but myself.
I do not write this for any other reason to 1) recap this year because what happened this spring, actually seems like and feels like it happened years ago. It doesn't feel like it was just this year to me. I also write it for 2.) To offer hope to others out there. I'm a hopeful person that was filled with hopelessness. I'm here to tell anyone that will listen there's hope. I found mine. You just have to find yours.
Well, I guarantee that Part 2 of this story, is way better. And not because of me. But because of the people that gave me their hope, because of the special people I admire, I respect, and have given me much admiration and respect. In short, they gave me hope for me. :)
I guarantee July to current only gets better. As, in a very short time period, I rebuilt my nuclear wasteland into something awesome. ;)
Stay tuned for Part 2.
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