I ended yesterdays post with the end of June 2011. I should note that although my ex had moved out the first week of June, the Divorce was final and settled without any contentions June 23rd.
June 29th, I wrote "The Whitewolf Within" Posted as one of my first writings on here. I wrote it in tribute to my self liberation.
July 2011: What now?
HA! What now? Ever wonder into a room full of people where you're expected to say something and your mind goes blank and you have no clue what to say? Well, That's how I felt when I walked in the door and the house was empty.. July was a month of getting used to my new life. I walked in the door saw the walls as my prison and didn't know what to do. I continued what I had done for a few years, I continued visiting the gym, I continued taking the dog out to play, I continued all the things I enjoyed about life. I had huge bon fires where I got drunk off my arse. I knew my truck lease would be up in September so, I decided to think about what I wanted to do with it. Get a different truck, a car, I had no clue. The world was mine. But, it's like taking a foreigner throwing them in a strange land and saying o.k. go make something of yourself. I was lost, confused, unsure what to think.
Without my ex, I was forced to face myself. That was no easy task. I realized a lot of things. A lot more things started to make sense. But, in talking to a couple friends that I had since made and / or maintained. I began to realize something that would later become even more apparent. July, amidst one of my several bonfires alone, I came up with the intuitive idea of having a painting made of one of my writings. I didn't think it was possible or thought it would be too expensive. I searched online and found a site dedicated to amateur artists. I hired an artist in Maryland to take my writing and create a sketch from it. I didn't want to influence creative imagery so, I let her use her imagination. She created a pencil sketch, changed a few things, then she went to work painting it. The painting officially began work later. July, was a month of adaptation to the mutating nuclear wasteland. One thing I should mention that will have changed my life forever. A friend of mine suggested www.meetup.com as a way to get out and meet people. I joined a local club and so far haven't regretted it since. I met a lot of friends. A lot of great and awesome people. This actually turned my life from what it was into what it is today. I was terrified, but it was so worth the risk.
August 2011
I found out about a hobby conference in Des Moine, Iowa beginning of September and my parents offered to take with them to South Dakota. I was like sweet. Two trips in one month, I thought to myself finally the beginning of my life. Welcome life. I researched vehicle options. And I remember a friend of mine telling me I could never have a car like another friend of mine. I looked up that car and drove 150-200 miles to meet with a dealership on them taking over the lease and getting me the car I wanted. I secured a brand new 2011 Mitsubishi Eclipse. It is / was my new divorce toy and I love it. We have an awesome relationship. It treats me well, and I've had it up to 140 mph. It was a new found rush that I had never experienced. 100 mph seems like 50mph in this car. Some people probably think I'm crazy or going through a mid life crisis. Nah. I'm just growing up HA!! Yeah right, o.k. I was redefining myself. I had become a new person. I might as well find a way to redefine everything about me.
A new car was the perfect cure. I don't regret it to this day. I continued to cement friendships with people in the new local club, and I planned for my trips out of town this month. Work had continued to turn upside down but I had to let that go and watch the dust settle. I also had to deal with continuing to lose coworkers I cared about, liked, that supported me for years.
I also had the opportunity to meet a very special friend. A former coworker that moved to a different part of the company. I got to know a lot more about them, and realized they offered a special close friendship I had never had before. It was nice, finally connecting with people that I could relate to and could relate to what I'd been through. We maintain a healthy friendship to this day and to that person, I know some days they feel a lot more messed up than the rest of the world. I just want you to know if you read this, thank you so much for taking a chance on getting to know me. You don't have any idea what your friendship has meant to me.
September 2011
Well, this month was a drastic turning point. I had a new car, new friends, reoccuring social life, old friends inviting me to participate in some new weekly events. I had the formation of a life occuring. The radiation of my life was clearing. I gained some semblance of stability, of life, of a whole person. I no longer had this cloud, this shadow hovering over me anymore. I was me. I was an awesome guy gaining a new awesome life. The semblance of trees, a forrest, a grassland, animals and other critters. began to grow in my barren domain. The beginning of September started out with the trip to the black hills. A long long drive, but so worth it. I hiked the 3.5 miles UP to Harney Peak. there I sat down on top of the world and took it all in. I was at the top of the world. I looked over the land and felt like I could achieve no more. I had gained everything a person could want in life. Well, except for one thing. I had everything I needed. When I got back from this trip, I had a day or two to myself and then I had my trip to Desmoine. I saw a friend on the way, A new friend that is awesome. Each person that entered my life taught me something about myself and I was open to learning it. So, I went to Des Moines, Alone, not knowing a single soul at this conference. I went with the goal of meeting people and getting the number and/ or face book address of at least one nice lady. LOL.
The first day there, hit my like a ton of bricks. In a strange city, not knowing a single person, 8-10 hours from home. Ugg. I was going crazy. So, what'd I do, I ventured to the movie theater and went to a movie. I saw Rise of the Apes. HA! I can't believe I remember that actually. Well, the conference started the next day, I wondered the conference trying to figure out how I was going to do this. Well, I took in all there was to see, some of the sessions on the hobby, and then proceeded to go find a cheap pop. for some reason the $4.00 fountain soda seemed ridiculous and I knew I had seen pop machines. I found them, The first one wouldn't dispense anything. I walked further down a skywalk where it would open to the city. I found another one, empty. I then walked way further down the hallway and found a third. JACKPOT. only 3 vending machines later did I find a $1.00 soda!!! Well, I headed back and a lday was doing the same thing I was doing, She was older but cute. She said hi and when I saw her having the same problems I told her where I got mine. well, she made her way to the third vending machine and it didn't work for her. Well, I stood overlooking the conference from the walkway. She came back and started talking to me and I to her. I got her name, and not her number yet though. We talked for a good 20 minutes. She was a member of one of the booths at the conference.
Well, later that night I got invited to a party at a hotel room, and met up with this lady and another group of people. It was pretty amazing. I can't tell you how amazing it is to just go to a random place and just start getting invited to stuff. It was the most amazing thing that had ever happened in my life. At midnight I ended up with some people from Canada heading downtown to get pizza at like 1 in the morning. LOL.
The next day I went to the conference again feeling accomplished, it was the last night of the conference. I didn't know what the day would bring, but I was trying to get the courage to ask this lady for her number. Eventually I found the opportunity, and she smiled at me and said "What is it with guys." Evidently I wasn't the first.. LOL. Ha! Well, I had made a number of friends at the conference. It was so amazing. I spent time tagging a long with some of them and went my own way other times. Finally the conference ended that day and we all went to the banquet. I met up with some friends I met there. Unfortunately not with the lady though. we were all supposed to go to the same place. We took the stairs, they took the elevator and we ended up not meeting up. :( was a strange thing, but, it was o.k. because what happened next was amazing.
Well a group of 6-8 of us decided to walk downtown at like 9-10 pm. We walked downtown looking for a bar that wasn't packed. We found one and had a couple drinks then a guy's wife that was with us, said she wanted to go dancing. Ha! I had never done this before, and had recently critcized for not being someone to do this. I shook my head, No God, why are you doing this to me. But, after a few more drinks we found a dance club, where I accidently orderred 4 drinks at once. And my friend, the kind guy he was, gave one of the 4 away, thinking I had enough. LOL. I downed the 3 really fast, and within a half hour, I was up on the dance floor dancing. What's even more hilarious, is that there was an older gentleman with us. He had a white beared, he looked a lot older than he probably was. Well, he hadn't had anything to drink but he went up on the dance floor. He gets the kudos for bravest guy of the night!! I started dancing away to the awesome music, just lost in the music.
Then we left, crashed another bar for a half hour or so and then decided to go back to the hotel. At this point I had some really good ideas... The kind, caring, nice, guy that I am came out at this point. No, seriously, it probably is a little creapy, but, I can think of a lot creapier things guys do when trashed. I walked up to random women and told them they needed a hug. In reality I probably needed a hug. But, I gave them hugs. I gave out 3-4 hugs before my friends told me I should probably stop as it's creapy. they had a point at some point I agreed with them. But, what I've seen since is a lot creapier and a lot more gross.. So, I crashed in my room while the room was still spinning and waited for the room to stop spinning. I slept for 4 hours, went back to the conference for the last day events. I was disappointed that I hadn't gotten the lady's number or email address. I didn't see her at the booth and I was leaving, I gave one last glance to the crowd and was sad that I hadn't accomplished my goal. Just as I was about to walk out the conference doors she comes through, almost like in the movies. No she didn't run up to me and kiss me. But, I walked up to her and said I'm leaving. And we started talking some and I finally said, what about your number. She said, I know, I just want you to know I'm not interested in a relationship. I didn't care. I accomplished my goal of getting a number. LOL. I didn't care that anything came of it. It was the first step. LOL. She gave me her email and phone number.
I had gotten the email and face book addresses of other friends I danced with and had gotten to know at the conference. It was truely phenominal for me. I can't describe what it's like to meet completely random people and to be accepted so readily without question. They probably think me crazy for hugging people, but, I'm sorry my friends, I grew up without HUGS. I grew up without something so simple. I believe HUGS are what make the world turn now. Without them this world would be a very sad place!! Well then I packed up my stuff and drove 8 -9 hours on 4 -5 hours of alcohol induced sleep home.
I went home on cloud 9 for having the most amazing weekend of my entire life. Meeting completely random people. As with all good things they do end. And I was sad for the end of such a great time, but, I would never ever give up the memories, that's why I type it here in such detail. It seems like ages ago, but it was only 3 months ago. It was so awesome.
That was the first two weeks of September. The last two I continued maintaining getting to know people in the local meetup group, continued to maintain all the new friendships I was making.
October 2011:
October, continued much the same, without the trips. I made friends, got to know more people. I went dancing one more night in October and ended up injuring my arm. I ended up in the ER with 4 stitches. Not what I had in mind, but, it taught me to slow down a little on the alcohol. I was more careful from that point forward or things could have been far worse. Taking precautions on driving and being respectful and responsible.
I continued to get to know people better.... Then Halloween came. HA! ;) Halloween is my favorite holiday, by far. Always has been, but I never got to celebrate it with people. no comment on why, I just didn't. So, I planned a halloween party at my house with the local club. Around 12 people showed up, it was amazing. We had a bon fire, got drunk, played games, talked, just had a great time eating and drinking, then we took a cab downtown and got a ride back to my house after bar closing. Which was fricken awesome. this month I also got to go with a group to the Haunted school / farm. Which wasn't as good as the first time I went, but was still pretty good.
November 2011:
I should mention at some point in here. Not sure which month, I also got hired on to teach part time by a local university. I hate public speaking, but love the idea of teaching. I had avoided it up to this point, but an opportunity arose I took it and I found myself being scheduled to teach a January night class. heh. this wolf was a bit intimidated. Heh. I continued to have fun, and continued to have some great times of my life.
December 2011.
Well, this brings us to current. I will post this month, later. Because, it is the final month of the year, and all I can say is this month continues to be amazing. I should say also that I tried a dating a few times. Nothing special came of the dates and so, I remained a highly social person. Which, at this point, God was probably saying that's all I need right now. I'm fine with that. I would like things to progress beyond friendships one day. But, after a 12 year marriage. I'm looking for a friendship that can be more. I'm not looking forever, nor am I looking for just a quick fling. I'm looking for someone that we could both say, after a few months, you know what, I like how things are going let's see what the next 6 months brings. And after that, see how the next 3 or 6 months go. And At some point, realize that what one has is special. if that happens great, if not, that's o.k. I learned my lesson at rushing into relationships, and realize that isn't the way to something special.
that said, I said early on in the June 2011 entry that I realized something that I didn't know. I realized I had never known what a loving, caring relationship really is. I have no good personal examples to go by. I went based on my parents as most kids do. And I woke up one day realizing I had my parents relationship only maybe worse. I had shut down, just let things be status quo. I didn't know what a real caring relationship was like, where someone valued my opinion, or admired my accomplishments, or was inspired by something I said or did. I never knew what that was like. Here I had gained all that and more than I ever had in my marriage through friendships in the course of a few months. I had been my own hero, but, I felt so dumb for not knowing how good a friendship could be.
So, there you have it. Me, through November 2011. December will be it's own post when the time is right.
All in all, this year has been nothing less than phenominal. I can't describe it. I've done all I can to convey what life is about. What people mean to me and the shear amount of respect I have for the people in my life.
This is a special thank you to all of you. Special friends old and new. I hope that my life can be a positive influence and build you all up as much as each of you has built me up!!
Thank you to one and all.
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